End Notes
Lunch Date
By Richard A. Miner, M.D.
A father learns a lesson about making time for what’s important.
I remember with regret a summer 10 years ago when my daughter, home on break from college, was working in the building next to where I had my office. She ate lunch every day in my building, which should have been an opportunity for us to spend time together. But somehow I had developed the habit of eating a quick bite at my desk between patients, and we never got together for that noon meal.
My lunch habit was something I picked up from my own father, a general practitioner with a solo practice in West Allis, Wisconsin, who worked long hours to support his wife and six children. My earliest memory of him is his absence. When I try to recall the first house we lived in, the picture of the place that comes to mind includes my mother and my siblings, but not my father. A few years back, when I asked my mother to tell me about that house and my dad, the theme that ran through her stories about our family life was my dad at work—a delivery of manure given as payment for services arriving while he was at work, a “left-over” truckload of cement dumped on the driveway by a patient and spread by my mother because my dad was at work, family meals eaten promptly at 5:30 p.m. without my dad, who was not expected home for hours.
When I became a father myself, I thought a lot about my dad and his relationship with us kids. Growing up, I never doubted that he loved us and was concerned about our lives, but I don’t think he was ever as comfortable with his role as a parent as he was with his role as a doctor. He was a physician first, and I think his comfort in that identity contributed to his busyness as much as financial need did.
One lesson I learned from his absences was to make having dinner with my family a priority. We often didn’t eat until close to 7 p.m., but I was there for the meal. And yet, when I think about how I couldn’t make time for those lunches with my daughter, I realize I am still my father’s son.
Thankfully, with each generation comes a new opportunity for learning. My daughter, now graduated, employed, and married, has taught me a lesson about making time for family. Each Christmas, she gives me the gift of a monthly lunch with her along with a calendar on which to mark the dates in advance. MM
Richard Miner is a child and adolescent psychiatrist in private practice in Edina, Minnesota.